I watched the vice-presidential debate on Thursday night,  and observed – with a kind of morbid fascination –  Joe Biden’s increasingly contorted facial expressions.

It gave me pause. One wonders, I think, after one has lived a long time, if one has gained enough experience to take advantage of all the tools at one’s disposal. After observing  Snickerin’ Joe, I wonder if I shouldn’t expand my facial repertoire.

Apparently, eye rolls, distrusting squints, astonished gapes, prolonged, frozen smiles and irritating mutters of disbelief tend to catapult one to power. I must be missing something.

The Frozen Smile…teeth must be perfectly straight, polished, and white. Must fix glance steadily and hold for several seconds to properly intimidate.

For instance, THE FROZEN SMILE. Perhaps I should practice on my husband. When he says something I believe to be opposite my opinion, I should bare my teeth, freeze a smile and stare at whomever happens to be in the room, seeking  mute support. After all, as my frozen smile  indicates (as Joe so eloquently modelled for me during the debate), what my husband has said borders on insanity.  The important thing is not the truth, the important thing is to create the perception of lunacy. That’s a new one on me, Joe!

However, since THE FROZEN SMILE seems to include glaringly white teeth, I must run out immediately and buy several packages of White-Strips to maximize the effect. It’s at the top of my to-do list!

Spongebob seems to have already mastered THE FROZEN SMILE! As a bonus, he displays the dewdrop-eye-sheen!

Having achieved the goal of diminishing the person who disagrees with me by utilizing THE FROZEN SMILE, I will then interrupt whatever they are saying with protests, guffaws and ridicule. INTERRUPT AT ALL COSTS is another thing I learned from Jumpin’ Joe! Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt! Why, I was taught all my life to be respectfully quiet when another person was speaking. Ostensibly, so that I could listen, but what do I know? How could I have missed the critical, mind-blowing enormity of interruption?

I am learning so much from Uncle Joe! The debate has proved educational, if not downright inspiring!

I learned THE FROZEN SMILE preceded by THE INDIGNANT GLARE is the vice-grip in Uncle Joe’s toolbox! My goodness! Utilizing these two expressions in rapid succession probably riveted the viewing audience! If my family was any indication, we were nearly riveted into a catatonic coma by the time the debate was over.

I bet Obama himself was so inspired by Snickerin’ Joe’s facial expressions when they met four years ago to discuss a political liaison, he blurted out, “Joe! I HOPE you can CHANGE those dang expressions, then we can GO FORWARD!”

Thus, an entire political discipline was born.

Way to go, Joe!