Tag Archives: political humor

Ten After-Election Tips for Conservatives

The election blew in on big tiger feet, and blew out on tiny pacifist paws.

Big news of the day: America is changing, and like it or not, conservatives have to get on with life.

As a maturing Baby Boomer, I find it difficult to accept a smaller America, a less-defensible America, a stock-market-crashed-and-heading-for-depression America. An America that accepts what government dictates, not the other way around. My points of view are rapidly becoming obsolete, it seems.

So, having  picked myself up from the shock of another four years of stuff I vehemently oppose (partial-birth abortion, intrusive and bigger government, more taxation, homosexual marriage, smaller military)…I must figure out how to get on with life.

Here’s what I have come up with so far:

1) Do not listen to or read political news for at least sixty days. Become decidedly apolitical during that time. This will help in the healing process.

2) Shield eyes from news media venues that post stock market reports. Selected denial can be helpful.

3) Take money out of 401K and stuff under mattress. Mattress-stuffed money may not accomplish much gain, but at least it won’t disappear when the stock market plunges to irretrievable lows under this regime.

4) Keep Bibles well-hidden. Freedom of religion now applies to everything except Christianity, and the Bible may be outlawed sometime during the next four years. Display a fake Koran in a couple places throughout the house in case of spot checks.

5) Think about buying a gun since they will be increasingly impossible to buy during the next four years. Consider moving to Montana, Texas, or South Dakota. Maybe Australia.

6) Learn Chinese. As our government continues to print money that is basically worthless without regard to a balanced budget  and our debt to China increases, we’ll need to know the language when they take over America.

7) When sufficiently healed, watch the documentary, 2016. Then watch it again. Share with less-conservative friends.

8) Stockpile depleted political energy reserves for the next four years. Release full force during next election.

9) Pray for Glenn Beck, as a personal meltdown seems imminent.

10) When liberal friends gloat and grin like cheshire cats, practice wide smile and compassionate acceptance, but inside hum “My Country ’tis of Thee” to assuage bitterness. This is not only reassuring, but drowns out their words.

I am hopeful these tips will help conservatives in their various stages of unbelief, numbness and stunned powerlessness. I plan to implement these tips immediately. If my readers have additional tips for dealing with the shock of loss, please submit. There is strength in shared support.

Snickerin’ Joe and Lessons Learned

I watched the vice-presidential debate on Thursday night,  and observed – with a kind of morbid fascination –  Joe Biden’s increasingly contorted facial expressions.

It gave me pause. One wonders, I think, after one has lived a long time, if one has gained enough experience to take advantage of all the tools at one’s disposal. After observing  Snickerin’ Joe, I wonder if I shouldn’t expand my facial repertoire.

Apparently, eye rolls, distrusting squints, astonished gapes, prolonged, frozen smiles and irritating mutters of disbelief tend to catapult one to power. I must be missing something.

The Frozen Smile…teeth must be perfectly straight, polished, and white. Must fix glance steadily and hold for several seconds to properly intimidate.

For instance, THE FROZEN SMILE. Perhaps I should practice on my husband. When he says something I believe to be opposite my opinion, I should bare my teeth, freeze a smile and stare at whomever happens to be in the room, seeking  mute support. After all, as my frozen smile  indicates (as Joe so eloquently modelled for me during the debate), what my husband has said borders on insanity.  The important thing is not the truth, the important thing is to create the perception of lunacy. That’s a new one on me, Joe!

However, since THE FROZEN SMILE seems to include glaringly white teeth, I must run out immediately and buy several packages of White-Strips to maximize the effect. It’s at the top of my to-do list!

Spongebob seems to have already mastered THE FROZEN SMILE! As a bonus, he displays the dewdrop-eye-sheen!

Having achieved the goal of diminishing the person who disagrees with me by utilizing THE FROZEN SMILE, I will then interrupt whatever they are saying with protests, guffaws and ridicule. INTERRUPT AT ALL COSTS is another thing I learned from Jumpin’ Joe! Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt! Why, I was taught all my life to be respectfully quiet when another person was speaking. Ostensibly, so that I could listen, but what do I know? How could I have missed the critical, mind-blowing enormity of interruption?

I am learning so much from Uncle Joe! The debate has proved educational, if not downright inspiring!

I learned THE FROZEN SMILE preceded by THE INDIGNANT GLARE is the vice-grip in Uncle Joe’s toolbox! My goodness! Utilizing these two expressions in rapid succession probably riveted the viewing audience! If my family was any indication, we were nearly riveted into a catatonic coma by the time the debate was over.

I bet Obama himself was so inspired by Snickerin’ Joe’s facial expressions when they met four years ago to discuss a political liaison, he blurted out, “Joe! I HOPE you can CHANGE those dang expressions, then we can GO FORWARD!”

Thus, an entire political discipline was born.

Way to go, Joe!